Black & White♥;

ok..lyk i got bck mi report bk.i showed mi mum.she wasnt disappointed or anythg tt much.but she kept askin me if i wld get in2 triple.lyk i don noe.i wanna go 3/4 or 3/5.im nt a kinda person hu wld excel in a triple science class.lyk jo anna said.im so not la.tts why.even if i cn get in2 triple, cuz its mi first choice.i don wanna go triple. lyk though i don mind takin bio,triple science wid elec geog will seriously make me go crazy pls.i noe i wont b able to cope very well there wht.so lyk i don wanna go there.so i told mi mum tt.she was lyk, nt convinced at all.cuz frm the beginning she wanted me 2 go triple science.cuz she thinks i hv e ability and i wld also do quite well there.which is so nt true la.i mean,i noe abt wht i lyk and wht i wan. but anw,mi dad left all the options 2 mi own wish.he told me, "to wht u really wanna do.u r the only one hu noes wht u want and lyk best and also wht u wanna do in future". but i noe tt internally he also wanted me 2 go triple. but he tawt tt i miz make the choice. cuz its me huz gna study. nt mi parents. if i go to triple and suffer, there is no point blaming mi parents for me failing in all mi subjects. cuz it wld b too late then.wht i can do is keep mourning or try to do btr or smthg lyk tt. im nt sad or anythg. im kinda happy i don need to go triple. cuz i will most probably nt go triple wht. cuz i think 2/3 ppl will stand a btr chance. so i noe i will excel btr in a double science class. tts wht i told mi parents. i alr went to bed by the time mi dad came bck home. but i wasnt asleep yet. was thinking abt match. saw mi dad. he was looking at mi report book. and he said, "she did quite well for math and science. tts good. but mayb her other subjects kinda pulled her down. but for their class nxt yr the science and math r the most important". but he was internally nt really happy cuz he was uncertain if i wil go triple. well, i put triple as first choice cuz i wanted 2 please mi mum. nt cuz i wanted triple. to b honest, i nvr lyk wanted to go triple. i alwz wanted a double science class, cuz i noe i wld definitely do btr in double science class. and im also more interested in taking two science subjects and a pure humans subject then takin triple. well, it was the first dae tt mi dad didnt tok to me. nt a word. cuz i was sleeping. but he wld usually cum near me and wake me up and tok 2 me. but nt ytd. nt a single word. im feeling fishing guilty. am i the cause? hv i been so self-centered? is it wrong 4 me 2 study wht im really keen on? but if it isnt wrong, then why was mi dad soo disappointed wid me. it cant b widout any reason. he has nvr been such. even 4 psle, he told me tt i hv the potential and tt i wld and muz to btr in mi sec skool. but hv i lyk nt met his expectations and made him really disappointed? i was feeling dam guilty. im nt thinking abt the rewards i might get cuz of mi marks. im thinkin abt whether i pleased mi parents. this has nvr happened.nt even a single word?! i feel lyk sucha looser. cuz i cant even please mi dad.i cried practically the whole night. i didnt do badly or anythg wht. as long as i can go 3/5 or 3/4. but i was feeling so sad that i had made mi dad so upset. i woke up a bit early today morning. saw mi dad gettin ready 2 leave 4 office. i wanted to juz get out of bed and rush to him and say tt i didnt mean anythg tt wld upset him and ask him if he was disappointed wid me. but i juz cldnt.seriously cldnt.man!! why sucha thg shld happen 2 me? i almost ended up attempting suicide ytd. i took the knife but i cldnt cut. at around 2am.cuz i think i hv made mi parents really upset. but i didnt cut. this is mi second attempt. i feel so useless. i juz cldnt think of anythg. nt even match. they lost. by 3 wkts. 26 oct was totally the worst dae.for many ppl.was smsing jo anna. then i stopped and went to slp.overwhelmed by sorrow.woke up and mi mum told me, "you cld hv done really btr u noe. u hv the potential. but juz tt u r a bit too lazy". i disagree completely pls. lyk there were countless nights when i hv stayed up till late to study. is this called laziness. nt lyk no one cn understand mi plight. im juz rotting. let me rot. i juz wanna die b4 27 nov, mi bdae tis yr. evrythg is juz soo nt right. am i fault? this has nvr happened. i noe i didnt do lyk badly wht. but sucha thg happened to me. wad the hell. juz help me end mi lyf. though dieing doesnt resolve anythg. but i juz don noe wht to do. is evrythg cuz of me? all i can do is cry and cry. wth. is this wht i have been waiting 4. mann!!!!!! im dieing.rotting.wth.let me rot and rot. lyf is only nice at certain times. wth. i hate miself the most nw. im a looser.